I have a confession to make.

I dated a man recently who was really into hearing about my sexcapades.

Maybe you think this is a normal kink. Read to the end to find out when it might not be.

I couldn’t wrap my head around this. AI writers exist. Smut is free on the internet. He can literally type any scenario he wants to hear about any sexual escapades into Google or ChatGPT, or use his own imagination, and find/create stories more wild than the ones I would share with him. Reddit is also free.

Why did he need to hear anything like this from me?

I think I know why now. I don’t need to tell you here.

One thing he often accused me of, and the reason why I am writing this post today specifically, is that he would question me over and over again about whether or not I slept with anyone else. Even though he moved to a different state and continued to pursue me persistently.

I knew this was scandalous behavior he was trying to get me to confess to. Any time you share anything that makes you look bad, it has the potential to be used against you. Sharing private details about another person’s intimate behaviors while they were done with you, ESPECIALLY without that person’s consent, you are betraying their confidence and their right to privacy. If that’s not a crime, it should be.

It was borderline abusive, the way he would harp on the same point over and over and over again. Asking if I was seeing somebody else. Encouraging me to form casual relationships, but only if he could be totally in control of the pace at which I engaged with them.

No matter how much reassurance I offered, no matter how many times I shared my foundational values of not cheating, of just choosing to be single instead, he really needed me to be aware of the fact that he did not see me as trustworthy in this regard. And the only way he could mitigate that apprehension was if I engaged in casual relations with other people and made him aware of them. He really tried hard to hammer that point home.

During the course of this relationship, I matched with a police officer in NYC on Hinge. I was getting really apprehensive about the way this man had been treating me. I asked him through the dating app “what are the signs that women are being sex trafficked? not kidnapped necessarily, but are there any signs I should look for?” He told me one that I ignored at first, but later realized I owe him a debt of gratitude. He said “don’t sleep with his friends. Women who are sex trafficked are passed around from man to man.”

It was absolutely ridiculous and manipulative to me that the man I was seeing would focus so much on me cheating, especially since he had moved to a different state! I have been with insecure men before who have done similar things to me in the past. But at least they were always there to do it in person, and actually observe me in the presence of other men.

Not once did I question if he was sleeping with other women. Honestly, I just assumed he was even though he had asked me to be exclusive with him. I assumed he had moved there with a woman already waiting for him. He bought a 4 bedroom mansion in the new state while trying to convince me he was looking for jobs that would allow him to move back to New Jersey. He had moved to the other state for work, something that had been in motion for about a year before he met me. But something I only found out about after our second date, when he made it seem like it came out of the blue.

This man was doing everything from a distance, meanwhile still pursuing me every single step of the way. And yet he would constantly undermine my confidence – or at the very least try to – by making it clear that my behavior toward him made me seem untrustworthy. It didn’t. But I digress. I know myself well enough to realize that he was playing a game with me.

He was desperate. Behaving the way desperate people do.

This is another thing to keep in mind about whether someone really means it when they say “I love you”, “I want us to be exclusive”. When they love bomb you or use excessive flattery, and then pull their energy back and switch angles.

This is why it is important to understand the nuances of how a healthy relationship is different from a coercive one. They are not that much different on paper. The only way to identify the differences are in your experiences with them.

What measures do you have in place to determine (man or woman) if someone is just using flattery as a hook to keep you compliant and on the line?

That is one reason why Time is always on your side when it comes to relationships. Use it that way. Please. I am begging you. Stop worrying about how other people judge your life. Rejecting their opinions about you could be the difference between a life well lived and one that ends too soon.

I knew right away that, if I was going to comply with this man’s requests for stories, which I did eventually, that I would be honest with the people I was having escapades with before anything happened. I would of course gain their consent before sharing anything. At the very least, I had a duty to make them aware of the situation I could be bringing them into.

“I am dating a man who lives in another state, and he is encouraging me to sleep with other men. He wants me to be have experiences and be open with him about them. He’s also asking me to make videos and send photos of us together. He’s really curious about the size of the men’s d*cks. Like, really oddly specific. He seems to have a preference for the size that he wants me to experience.” Kind of a director of sorts he was in that regard.

I never made any videos with any other men, nor sent him photos that any other man had sent or taken with me. I also didn’t send any other man nudes, since it is not something I do organically. Maybe I should start, now that my boundaries have relaxed a bit.

But I definitely told the men that I met with that this was going on. Once I accepted the reality that this man was not husband material. Once I took off my rose-colored glasses and accepted that this relationship was not actually real. Once I ventured back out into the dating world but still wasn’t quite ready to end this arrangment for other, personal reasons, I was honest with them, and with myself as much as I could be.

I was willing to believe, at least for a little bit, that maybe this man was just weird.

The thing that really took me aback though was when he was suprised to hear that I was telling other people about him… and the arrangements he had made with me.

Sleeping with random people and then reporting back to someone without them being aware that that is what you are doing? That’s… I don’t know what the word for that is necessarily. It’s definitely a doorway to doing something far worse. At the very least you are violating that person’s right to reasonable privacy.

So maybe best case scenario is the man that I was seeing had a kink? I would not want to be in a sexual situation with a man who was going back home to his girlfriend or wife, telling her all about me so she could get off on it. Especially if he didn’t tell me that that’s what he was doing first. Would you want to be on the other end of that situation?

I don’t think you would. Maybe you wouldn’t care, at least theoretically. It’s creepy.

One thing I had to accept was the reality that if this man was lying about his fetish, that I would then be putting myself in situations where I would essentially have been creating porn. Even if he was being honest about what he wanted, that’s still what he was asking me to do. A man I was talking to about this situation pointed that out to me.

This is where accepting reality can really save you from perpetrating criminal behavior. You may think you are innocent just because someone else is telling you what to do. That is a childish way of thinking about yourself and your responsibilities in life.

Alarm bells started ringing about 8 months prior to him asking me to do this, by the way. They started ringing when I met him. When he was rude to the waiter on our very first date. Hostile, is the word I would use, actually. I just had a hard time accepting reality for a while. We all do.

I knew that if I was going to hook up with anyone at this man’s request, because “he enjoyed the thought of me enjoying myself” insofar as he wanted to hire a prostitute for me to sleep with and film it for him , and that a lot of our conversations that revolved around sex also included fantasies that he had of me sleeping with other men then any man I involved would have to be fully aware and consenting to the situation first.

It took a lot of convincing for me to even consider this as a real possibility that it was a fetish. It actually took other men going “oh, he has a kink” for me to be like “am I being too uptight about this?? To me, this is a huge problem.” To them…not really.

I had already decided this man was not husband material the first time I noticed his push/pull mannerisms with financial support, emotional flattery. When he told me he wanted me to sleep with other men like “a husband does for his wife” …

I am free to tell you this story now because I decided to be.

I started writing this post as a way of expressing that I see my time at school as a way to build professional skills and a powerful, non-romantic network. It ended up becoming something else entirely. One line to acknowledge that I never involved anyone at school in this. Knowingly or unknowingly. I go to school to learn. This man was obsessed with the idea that Icould have slept with someone else when I traveled for training in 2025 or 2026. I didn’t. He also showed signs of obsession and other unhealthy behaviors. Just know that, if I am ever in a situation where your privacy may be compromised, I will be upfront and honest with you about it first so that way you can choose whether to participate in something like that or not.

Personally I hope I never experience another relationship like that one again. Not unless a government agency hires me in their Sex Crimes division and sends me undercover – paid, with a high salary, great benefits, and all the paid time off I can imagine.

Best case scenario, this guy was just a creep. Better to not believe a man when he tells you he loves you the first time. Doubt it, and see what he does when you tell him No, or that you don’t like something, or that something really turns you off.

Men who are really interested in you will adjust. Those who are not will adjust in the short term, but test your boundaries again and again until they exhaust you into changing your mind. He did the latter. And no matter how many times I called him out for it, he would just stop responding to my messages and then come back to them like nothing negative had occurred. Sometimes there would be hours of silence, sometimes mere minutes. Sometimes no time would pass at all, he would just tell me I was being too emotional. Obnoxious behavior, really.

I also did this thing where I screenshotted our most confusing conversations and uploaded them to ChatGPT. ChatGPT gave me some really fascinating insight into what the man was actually trying to achieve. I thought it was a glitch where it was just telling me to break up with him because that is something ChatGPT is known for doing (as am I). Turns out, it might have been spot on. It told me to look more into coercive relationships, and recommended a book.

I didn’t read the book. Nor did I listen to ChatGPT, for a while. I kept returning with the same questions over and over again. “Why is he doing this?” “Why do I feel this way?” “What is actually happening here?” “Why do I want to end this relationship but cannot seem to leave?”

ChatGPT was like 25% helpful, but 100% entertaining in its responses.

The only times I noticed that I was actually able to confront the issues head on was when I came back from training with the Modern Mystery School. Maybe that is why the man thought I had met someone, or that I started another relationship. He could see that I acted differently after I attended a class. More skeptical, more direct, more standoff-ish.

The man sent me to London for over 2 weeks, paid for EVERYTHING. He had asked me several weeks prior, on our second date, how much I thought I would need to get my business started and running for the first year. In October, after training, when I sent him the quote, all of a sudden he couldn’t afford it. He wanted to see a business plan. He didn’t want to see a business plan while we were lying in a sauna, when he was telling me how cute my nose was and asking me if I wanted $50,000 to start off with.

I recognized that this was a game to him. One that I would never win.

So I stopped talking to him shortly after that. It took me a few weeks, but after the clarity I received in my classes during that October program at the Modern Mystery School UK & Europe, I finally told him everything that I had observed, noticed, and that had been on my mind. I stopped talking to him for a while, until I experienced a moment of weakness and self-doubt.

He had texted me nearly every day up until that point. When I reached out, he was immediately available. And we carried on for a while. His requests for photos, videos, (things I had never sent anyone else before I met him, and I told him that) acts and descriptions of said acts along with photographic proof, they all escalated as time went on. As he tested my boundaries, he noticed again and again when I would get upset that he asked, but then later come back and apologize for being unreasonable.

Predators notice everything you do. Every time you betray yourself in order to appease a predator, they take that information. They tally it up. They assess your weak and your blind spots over time.

That is why it is essential to Know Yourself better than anyone else can. At the very least, work with people who know you better than you know yourself and are willing to teach you to see what they see. To #KnowThyself is a necessity for living a life of freedom and enjoying it too.

I am not saying this man was a predator. I have no proof of anything other than what he wanted from me and what he received. All I know is that if I hadn’t known myself as well as I do, if I didn’t have standards for my own behavior, even when I betrayed those standards because I thought I was being too rigid or stiff, I would have become a predator myself. He was putting me in situations where that would be the case. And then later, he could be able to use that, and every other thing I had sent him against me. Including the stories I told him. He always asked so many clarifying questions, like where was I when the story took place and who I was with.

It started to make sense to me when the news stories say “some of the victims of sex trafficking were arrested too”. They likely became predators too, or at least had to be investigated like they had been.

The world is a wild place, man. The world is a wild place.

You deserve to be able to ride the waves without getting pulled under the tide. You deserve to be able to at least set foot offshore. You are worthy of being the captain of a whole a$$ ship, sailing the ocean blue until you are ready to come home. Don’t let stories like this one make you fear your potential for walking the world alone. Stories like this should give you hope that you are bigger, better, and badder than any wolf you might encounter. That wolf should feel remorseful if he ever tries to eat you alive